I’ve spent most of my adult life in a relationship. I’ve always put someone first, even at the cost of myself, my career or both. This is the very first time I don’t have to answer to anyone. I’ll admit, I kinda enjoy it.
There was an adjustment period after a tragic breakup with someone who had undiagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder. He was also bipolar.
Well, shit. If anyone could help him, it would be me, right? As a card-carrying member of Club Van Gogh, I understand crazy. I know what to expect.
What in the muther-of-fuck was I thinking?
The difficult part for me to swallow is that before I saw all the mental issues, I actually *thought* I was in my first healthy relationship. Yeah. Then I stuck around out of hope and loyalty. That really fucked my head up.
It didn’t help that of the two of us, I was the calm, nonviolent one (yeah…me!) and with his disorder, he had the ability to twist things around, convince me I was the problem and everything was my fault.
I spent a lot of time on therapist’s couches and having coffee with friends working on rewiring myself since. Luckily, these are also the same couches he sat on and friends who knew him, so these people had insight as to what was really going on.
My own bipolar medication doses have been spot-on the past few years. I get regular blood tests and the aforementioned therapy. I’d been better than ever. And yet, that happened. The lack of judgment and constant second-guessing made me unable to figure out what was up from down. Now that I’m dating again, I’m very cautious and wish I could rely on my instinct and judgment. You know, like normal people don’t. I over-think and get confused at times. Living alone has been challenging, too. There’s no one to reign me in when I go a little too far outside the lines. I think that’s one of the things you need to find in both your closest friend(s) and a partner when you’re bipolar, or it won’t work.
My Fucktarded Brain:
“Is this what’s going on in reality, or is it just my mind seeing things in the worst possible light?
What if I’m simply being paranoid that it’s my bipolar mind, but it IS really going on and I’m talking myself into staying calm and letting things go while I’m actually getting completely fucked over?”
That’s what it’s like to be crazy. Even on stabilizing medication, it never completely goes away. I’m just able to keep it hidden better.
It’s like a little MMA/Lucha Libre match going on in my head:
“In this corner, Irrational Thoughts! Coming in from Parts Unknown at 6’5” and 385 pounds!
His opponent, the high-flying Lucha Libre sensation known simply as SANITY! Sanity hails from Doctor’s Orders and weighs in at a sleek but deceptively quick 135 pounds!
Ring the bell!
Oh, wow. WOW! Sanity is just taking a BEATING from Irrational Thoughts! It’s going exactly as we’d thought. Irrationality is all over, just cleaning freakin’ house. It got real ugly, real RAPIDO, folks. He’s got Sanity locked in the WTF-Are-You-Thinking submission and is not letting go…oh, ouch!…but Sanity refuses to tap! He goes for the pin! 1…2…no! Shoulder raised!
Irrational has just put Sanity on top of the cage…he’s backing up…he charges at him… OH MY GOD…Sanity has KICKED Irrational Thoughts IN THE FACE! IN.THE.FACE! And here comes Sanity OFF THE CAGE with a flying triple Functionally Balanced! HO-LY SHIT! Sure didn’t see that coming! Ay, Dios mio! 1… 2…3! Sanity! Sanity! Sanity WINS!”
But Sanity doesn’t always prevail, does he? Sometimes Irrational Thoughts hits the ring and it’s a travesty of a squash match. There have been several times where I have connected the dots to something and let someone have it. Friends, lovers. Over something that wasn’t there. This, while stabilized. Meanwhile, those dots connected clear as anything to me. For me, it was a calm, rational connecting of dots. THE FUCKING DOTS CONNECTED. Not only did they connect, but they fit together like Legos.
But, the other person couldn’t have been more shocked at how in the blue hell I came with my dots OR connections. Oh, and my Legos? They can just piss the fuck off, mate. After that, my dot connecting ability was severely questioned. I lost a lot of my dot connecting credit. I was put on dot connection suspension.
Now, what kind of defense does one have in this case? “Well…you knew I was bipolar!”
Sure. OK. They can say, “I know. You were straight up about it.” (Or in my case, “I read your blogs.” Nothing like having it all out there.)
But does that actually work with someone who really has no clue what it’s like to be something they cannot possibly imagine? Maybe they can look past it, but are fissures not created, tiny hairline cracks?
Meanwhile, they’ve put you in dot connection Time Out.
(Note: There have been a few times where I thought I was crazy because I was told I was wrong – but I found out later I wasn’t. This has happened when I’ve been seeing someone and they simply weren’t comfortable with me calling something so accurately or being brutally truthful. I’m not one for games or bullshit.)
It makes me crawl inside myself. I apologize, back away. Far away. It makes me not want to interact with anyone. Because, clearly, I can’t. I can’t sustain a normal fucking…whatever you call it. Just when I think maybe I’m OK – surprise, mutherfucker! -Nope.
And this, on medication.
Previously, I hurt everyone around me and walked away unfazed. Now, I just hurt myself trying to make sure others are okay. I suppose it’s an improvement.
Let’s skip the n-word (normal), in lieu of aiming for “functionally balanced”. One day. Not just out of debt, paying my bills, healthy and responsible. I’m already there. But I’d like to be completely balanced. I’d like my mind to quit fucking with me – and I’d like to retain the quick wit and creativity bonuses that come with being crazy, por favor.
I want it all.
Functionally balanced. So much prettier of a phrase than the n-word.
April Hunter is a writer, professional wrestler, full-time student at Full Sail University, professional cosplayer and pin-up, Playboy and fetish model.
She’s also a fitness competitor, former Met-RX & Extreme Nutrition spokes-model, the subject of several comic book characters, an admitted coffee snob, road rage enthusiast, Mother of Chickens and world renowned potty mouth. She uses the C-word as liberally as you use butter on your biscuits. Which you shouldn’t be eating, since you know…carbs and gluten. She struggles with bipolar disorder and Lupus and chooses to view challenges as opportunities.
See more of April on Instagram @realAprilHunter, www.AprilHunter.com and Twitter @AprilHunter. She’s also on Facebook.com/AprilHunterOfficial and owns AprilsScentSations Soy Candles.
5 thoughts on “Sanity v. Irrational Thoughts: WT(M)F?”
I am constantly wondering what is real and what is my bipolar, battling your own mind is one hell of a fight.
I am, too. I hate it. It’s like there are two realities to choose from sometimes and I’m not sure which is the right one. Thanks for your comment.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Once again your to hard on yourself. I know this much in 15 yrs come October you go from one extreme end before you were medicate walking away. After diagnosis meds therapy now you give to much of yourself. I want you to stop take a step back take a breathe.i want you to realize & understand something you grew up in a household that wasn’t on the Donna reed show. Like me you had to make & find your own way in the world not knowing any of this maybe if you did things you’d be & turned out differently. Know you addressing & taking care of a problem that you didn’t know existed. Now you do therapy meds & yet your blaming yourself for giving to much of yourself to others. Do I have to be Robin Williams In good will hunting. It’s Not your fault you realize that going from one end of the spectrum to the other you still haven’t taken time for yourself write for you not for an assignment. Do nothing but spend time with you & the animals. I want you to love you wholly & completely before you try to love somebody else next why because I love you April I want you to be happy
“To respect madness is not to interpret it as the involuntary and inevitable accident of disease, but to recognize this lower limit of human truth, a limit not accidental but essential. As death is the limit of human life in the realm of time, madness is its limit in the realm of animality.”
Michel Foucault “Madness and Civilization: A History of Insanity in the Age of Reason”
hang in there ; life is tough and you just got get up everyday and put a smile on your face and live life. Appreciate yourself and your family and friends. Life isn’t a bowl of cherries or easy you got make yourself what you want to be and sacrifices are tough. Hey i worked in the war zones for 12 yrs working for a US govt and putting my life on the line. It was the adrenaline or being shot at or blown up at anytime…..i guess wanting to live life on the edge. Now i gave all that up and life seems boring at times and question myself. I gone on same dates and when they find out what i did before it’s like they are scared of me or why would i date ap person of your background. Its like I look at death as okay it happen, and numb to feelings. I lonely as i like to find a good lady to share with but scared of commitment too. I know the feeling of putting out there and giving for someone and can you trust them. Its hard to do that in todays world. Now i got a medical issue blood clots from flying so much back and forth to hell where i worked. I am glad now to be back in society and transition to normal life. I miss serving my country in a way, as i was a USMC guy and left and didn’t stick to be a career and retired; too many politics as an officer, i just liked kicking the door and going after bad guys…..lol……..in my 50’s now and glad i home every day and starting to do other things and live in the gym and sweating …..getting back in shape slowly after not working out due to the clot. As for finding the right person wow, its hard. to find a soul mate and one yu trust with your inner self and feelings.Every day i wish i can find a great girl like you but know its hard and tough. You just got keep plugging along and when you get knocked down I know it hurts but you got get back up and dust yourself APRIL , put a smile on your face and jump in the game and live again and again and feel your heart grow again. As if you hide you always question yourself i should could have and i didn’t……go fir it kiddo and trust the inner APRIL…….i know your a tough kid and dam good writer. you got a strong heart and knock BODY……but must of all you are a good person with a big heart and NOT A QUITTER…….trsut your judgement and live life…..don’t be scared of anything…..always love you Huntress you are my hero…..hope the dress es fit and bed still good to go……one day hope to spoil you with a nice dinner and meet the one girl i wish i had in my life…..april hunter……love jim