(Warning: Explicit**See Below.)
The subject of rough sex was broached at lunch. My friend – the epitome of the conservative girl next door – gritted her teeth and said, “YES. Yes. I want someone to pull my fucking hair.” As we all nodded in total agreement, she paused and wondered aloud, “I wonder what that says about us. Psychologically, I mean.”
I thought about that for a while and decided to find out.
Women have long flip-flopped between wanting to be with a nice guy who treats them like a princess and dating that arrogant prick everyone hates. We’ve all shaken our heads and thought, “Jesus, that guy is such a douche bag. Why is she with him?”
You can’t change men (Men Are Like Shoes- http://aprilhunterblog.com/2014/05/09/chapter-20-men-are-like-shoes/) so these relationships with bad boys nearly always end badly.
However, our heads still turn when we see the guy with the loud, fast car or the motorcycle. We want tattooed, muscled and pierced. He’s ex military, in a rock band or a crazy surfer. We want that because, quite honestly, he looks like trouble. Trouble means he will probably throw us down and ram us hard from behind, while pulling our fucking hair. (Read: Not yank. Pull.) We want to be nipped at, tied up, choked at orgasm, spanked, and told what to do. We want you to hold us down and lick our pussy until we can’t take it anymore…and then we want you to do it again with your fingers teasing our ass at the same time. If you won’t, we’ll eventually find someone who will. At least once. That’s just how it is.
Some women have a hard time saying it like it is. Perhaps they’re afraid what their partner might really think if they tell him what they really want.
Sex is fantastic. Romantic sex is absolutely wonderful. But sometimes you just need to get slammed up against a wall and fucked.
There. I said it.
The most common sexual fantasy for women is rape. (That’s not to say women want to BE raped.) I think you get what I mean when I state this fact. In a fantasy, you can enjoy the idea of being coerced without any real danger. That said, you can understand psychologically that we females have an innate desire to be told what to do, held down and fucked. Sex researchers suggest that one reason for the prevalence of aggressive fantasies isn’t so much the rape itself, but rather the desire to feel a loss of control. Women make a lot of decisions every day. We have to remain in control in order to get things done. Part of the pleasure of sex is giving up or taking that control to another level, so it’s vital to find a partner who balances you sexually. Two submissive people together are going to make for a lazy marriage that lacks heat. Neither will feel like being on top. Two dominants will constantly be in a power struggle that may spill outside the bedroom.
Rape or near-rape fantasies are the main theme in romance novels. Often called “bodice-rippers”, a handsome man becomes so overwhelmed by his attraction to the heroine that he loses all control and must have her, even if she refuses–which she does initially, but then eventually melts into submission, desire, and ultimately fulfillment. Rinse, repeat and rename it Fifty Shades of Grey.
“Before I know it, he’s got both of my hands in his viselike grip above my head, and he’s pinning me to the wall using his lips … His other hand grabs my hair and yanks down, bringing my face up, and his lips are on mine…” -50 Shades of Grey pg 78.
This is part of our core animal nature. We like to believe we’ve evolved into something superior to being animalistic, but it’s revealed in certain basic situations. We overeat when we’re not hungry because we’re genetically programmed to store food for the possibly stark future. We sleep more in the winter because it’s cold and dark. And yes…there is an ingrained sexual aspect to us that’s undeniable. Yet, despite sex being as natural to both animals and humans as eating and sleeping, some still try to deny it.
From Psychology Today: “This study is part of a growing body of research unveiling women’s dueling desires. On the one hand, women express wanting a relationship with a loving and committed partner for the long-term. Yet on the other hand, they demonstrate an attraction to men with darker personalities, typically for the short-term. It is important to recognize, however, that this dynamic has been shaped by the demands of evolution. For the women who fall for bad boys—and the men who love them—these insights may help untangle this paradox.”
The three most populated places on Earth:
- The Friend Zone
Every nice guy has bemoaned to anyone and everyone within earshot (and on every social network) how all women only love arrogant assholes.
Word origin for ‘asshole’: Latin. Meaning: “contemptible person”. Dated: mid-1930s. – *I wonder what these types of people were called in 1892?*
This only loving assholes thing isn’t exactly true. Most women – the ones who aren’t completely damaged, that is – struggle with finding a balance. We want a nice guy. This man loves his mom, won’t run around on us (we hope) and calls on the way home to ask if he can pick anything up from the store. He tells us we’re beautiful, kisses our neck and remembers things that are important. He holds the door open, does laundry, cooks and enjoys the same movies. He may even remember to put the toilet seat down.
And, we want someone who will pull our fucking hair. With Bad Boy Syndrome, narcissism suggests confidence and dominance. Women respond to this sexually without even realizing because it’s ingrained into us for reproductive reasons. We want a strong male who will provide strong offspring and be able to protect us.
“Stupid women say all men are the same. Smart women stop dating the same men.”
With age comes wisdom. With more wisdom, I’ve gravitated more towards the “nice guy”. I always thought he was vastly under appreciated. After all, I’m trouble enough for two and as long as he is a ‘think outside the box’ captain and not part of the crew, I’m perfectly fine with it. However, despite appreciating decent, sweet men, I’ve still found myself staring at obvious bad boys with sleeve tattoos, facial stubble and vascular forearms. Why? I’m smart enough to know not to date that type, yet I still find myself occasionally drawn to it.
I’ve come to the conclusion that men aren’t the only ones who want a lady on the streets and a whore between the sheets.
As I’ve gotten more comfortable in my own skin, I’m not afraid to say that sex is very important and I am not willing to compromise on that in a relationship. You can be wonderful, funny, good looking and rich. But, if the bedroom action is bad, boring or one-dimensional, it’s just not going to work for me. Life is too short to suffer from bad sex. That’s my own opinion, but I’d reckon others feel the same way.
Any woman can understand what I mean when I offer up this example:
What is more innately attractive? There is a tall, dark haired man. He’s handsome with broad shoulders, full lips and high cheekbones. He is also a certifiable nice guy. He pulls up in a Prius or a Scion. It has an automatic transmission.
Now, that same nice guy steps out of a sleek BMW Z4 or pulls alongside you in a rumbling convertible Ford Mustang. By the way, both the BMW and Mustang happen to be stick shift – and he takes control of his car like a champ.
It’s not rocket science. This isn’t materialism. It’s a show of testosterone and confidence. I’m using cars as an example. You can work it any way you want. Nice guys don’t always finish last – not if they don’t want to.
My point is this: women don’t love bad boys. They’re just attracted to them. Their confidence. Confidence is a big one. This is something even the nicest boor can own if he tries. Spice it up with little danger or masculinity. Pin her down and give it to her hard every now and again. Women want variation. Be raw. Romantic. Rough. Teasing. Sensual. And incredibly dirty and nasty.
Pull her fucking hair.
Personally, I’ve noticed that men who are close to their moms or were raised well by a single mother tend to have a completely different (and positive) view on strong women than the norm. I’ve used that as a marker for my friendships and how to choose my dates rather than an Alpha vs. Beta vs. Omega debate. In the end, I think a sign of a good relationship is someone who is your best friend – he is the person you respect, share ideas, look forward to spending time with, your partner in crime – whom you want to fuck like crazy and give a blowjob while driving down the highway.
–While he wraps his hands around your hair.
My question to the modern male is this: Can you be both “the lady on the streets and whore between the sheets”?
If so, you may just solve our paradox and answer that age old question: ‘What is it that women really want?’
**I’d like to apologize for the copious use of the word “fucking” in this blog. When it’s being used in the context in which I needed it for, there were few other options in the English language.
I searched for interchangeable words but “fornicate” and “copulate” simply weren’t cutting it. Going full-on British English gave me even less to work with. “Give your bird a good rogering”, “Go on and get your face full of fanny while playing with her bum” or “Shag her bloody silly” wasn’t conveying the point very well at all.
So, “fucking” it was.