We don’t always remember what people SAY, but we always remember how they make us FEEL.
Sometimes someone will come into our lives when we need them the most. Even if it’s just for a fleeting moment. One such situation comes to mind…there’s not much to the story and it doesn’t have a lot of substance BUT it changed my life. Or rather, my outlook on life.
I met a man in Japan once. He lived in China. He was slim and athletic with a strikingly handsome face, fun sense of humor and dark eyes that were almost black.
Half Mexican, half Anglo, he was a stuntman in the Japanese movie I was there to film. We were paired so he could train me for some intensive martial arts, and as the only two people there who spoke fluent English we ended up talking quite a bit after the longs days were done.
When you’re in a foreign country and you find someone you can talk to after days or weeks of exhausting broken English and hand-gesture communications, it’s not uncommon to open up about things you wouldn’t normally talk about like a dam that’s burst. Just like how much easier it is to spend foreign cash, because it doesn’t feel like ‘real money’. Perhaps you speak freely it’s because you think you’ll never see these people again.
I was at a very low period in my life about many things, and he showed me another way of looking my situation. One of which was my age; hitting thirty and still chasing a dream, wondering if I should be opting for the ‘American Dream’ of having babies, stability and house of my own instead.
He said something like this: “The people who do have all of that think YOUR life is far more interesting. Age is just a number. My mom had me at 40, I was her first child. I know someone else who had her first baby at 44. No issues. So don’t stress. It doesn’t matter how old you are. Live your life.”
In a nutshell, that was it.
And, it was profound. As a female having to choose whether to continue pursuing a crazy career or stop and have children…going home to America…feeling like a failure for not having the house with a white picket fence…the way he spoke to me about our societies’ narrow way of thinking opened up my mind.
One night after training, he called me at my hotel in Shinjuku and we chatted for hours. He invited me to visit where he was currently staying in Tokyo, giving me the complicated train instructions. I was in the midst of a bad relationship back in America that would soon end terribly. That was part of why I was staying in Japan so long; for a much-needed breather. I said I’d see how I felt and let him know.
It was getting late. I looked up the train schedule; there were only a couple left that evening. I sat on the edge of my bed and watched the clock tick.
And I sat.
The last train pulled out of the station.
I called him back, saying I didn’t feel well.
I was afraid. Because I really liked him.
He was one of the most positive people I’d ever met. I left Japan and stayed in touch with him via email, but eventually, life got busy for both of us & we lost touch.
We had never so much as hugged, but for many years, I thought about him. His love for life. How much his outlook had personally affected me.
Regrets vs. remorse. Regret is for something you did. Remorse is felt for something you did NOT do.
I always felt that I’d missed the boat. Literally and figuratively. I think he would have been good for me, and I could have learned from him. I’ve made a lot of bad choices in relationships and have created monstrous turmoil in my personal life. I think my career would have gone better had I a more stable or positive home life. I promised myself not to ever let that train leave again.
We don’t always remember what people SAY, but we always remember how they make us FEEL. In this case, I remembered both.
I later found him on Facebook and finally got the chance to tell him how grateful I was for his advice & how it changed me. He remembered us hanging out, but had no idea he’d told me all of that or how I’d been affected. I was happy to have the opportunity to thank him…and still have him as a friend.
2 thoughts on “Chapter 11: Missed Moments…”
This post hits home with me. There are SO SO MANY regrets I have from my past of things I didn’t do, or started to do but didn’t finish or see through (one that could have given me some stable income potentially), people I’d talk to and say I’d chat to again but never did for one reason or another, just so many things I wish I could go back and do differently, and that’s not even talking about regrets of some of the stuff I HAVE done.
How have you been able to reconcile all that with your present April? I find that really hard to do, I mean yeah I am slowly trying to make strides to not repeat some of the past mistakes I’ve made, slowly letting go of a lot of the fears that have paralyzed me and held me back from doing things before, but…..it all still gnaws at me a lot. I sit and think about it at times, about what I missed out on, connections I never quite made and so on, and I loathe myself for that, hate myself for letting it happen. I know a lot of that has helped to shape who I am now and who I wanna be going forward but just the same it is something that is hard for me to shake. How do you do it?
As an aside btw…..what’s the status of your old friend you say you got back in touch with here? I almost think you may be getting a 2nd chance to claim what you didn’t before. Just a thought though, glad it came full circle for you either way. 🙂