There is a gnawing, unsatisfied feeling within.
It comes back to visit her often, and its voice can be heard whispering, “Is this all there is to life?”
Very little makes her feel complete. Even then, it’s only temporary.
It’s said that the meaning of life is to discover your gift…
Then, in turn, give it away to others.
Frustrated, because she has yet to discover her yearning.
Fulfillment escapes her as she travels in circles over and over, and over again.
She is tired and uninspired.
Each time, her battery, running lower and lower, as she expends more and more energy without a way of recharging; doing what she no longer cares to do, but must in order to survive and nourish herself.
Grateful for opportunities, she fears many of them she has outgrown.
Even the little things have become tedious.
No longer challenging.
Putting the clothes on, taking the gloves off?
Doing what you do not like robs ten times more the energy.
Yet, she keeps on. It’s what she knows. It’s food on the table.
It leaves nothing left over to figure out the next move in the journey of life.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.
Maybe the definition of insanity should simply be doing the same thing over and over.
Phone rings. Repeat offer. She says yes.
She does things in life she doesn’t want to do because they’re familiar. Because they’re easy. Because they provide. Because she is afraid to do more.
The hatred comes for time lost doing things she doesn’t want to do. Hating herself for doing them.
Time off to think, and starve? Work, and die inside?
The restlessness grows as she stands still, stunted.
Four way stop, nothing is moving, trapped in gridlock.
The minutes tick by, turning into days…weeks…months…
Time melting, like a Salvatore Dali clock.
Every day, slipping away.
She stays the same.
Ever frustrating, She is a muse for others.
A goddamn muse.
She inspires creativity all around her.
Music. Art. Writing. Self improvement. Business.
Because of her, they go after their dreams and goals.
Proud. She loves helping others and lifting them up.
It makes her happy when they succeed, lose weight, write, inspire others, create something beautiful, feel accomplished… and grow.
She inspires ideas and success in others. And yet, she cannot do this for herself.
She is jealous…of her.
A butterfly cannot see her own wings. It has no idea what they look like.
A butterfly makes people pause in wonder.
To admire her beauty. To wish for freedom and flight. To ponder the possibilities.
We realize what is a grounded fuzzy caterpillar today could be colorfully flitting around in the air tomorrow. You cannot chase a butterfly. You can only stand still and hope that it chooses you.
Where is HER butterfly?
She sits there, knowing what she should do. Knowing what has to be done. Doing none of it. She turns away from the truth and hides. But she has never been very good at lying to herself.
She doesn’t want this anymore.
It’s not fun anymore.
She wants more.
There has to be more.
Ready to move forward, afraid to let go…desperate for the energy and drive to navigate her life up over the sidewalk, across the empty playground, and down that side street to get away from the frozen solid traffic jam.
Which do you use to make decisions? Love…or fear?
Her . She is the only one who can change HER.
It’s not whether or not you have problems. It’s whether or not you have the same problems as last year.
She has the same problems as last year.
She must grow.
She longs for the creativity that she KNOWS is ready to spill out and flow, if just unlocked.
She can feel it as surely as the sunshine upon her face while she stands still and scans the world for those colorful wings flitting about.
Mariposa. Schmetterling. Vlinder. Papillion.
I know you must be out there… somewhere.
“Success does to the living what sunshine does to stained glass.”
8 thoughts on “Chapter 17: The Restless Muse”
So…..as I was laying in bed this afternoon thinking back to this piece of writing you posted……(which as I mentioned last night in my initial response that I can really really relate to on several different levels…..from feeling drained of energy to where nothing not even the things you enjoy doing can give you much beyond a fleeting moment of joy….if you can find that at all, to..being able to reach and help anyone and everyone except the one person that matters the most, that being yourself……it really struck a major chord with me perhaps moreso than anything else you have written up to now, just incredibly deep and soul touching….), I had a thought…..what if you reinvented yourself….started a new chapter in your life…..as a writer?
It’s obvious you have the passion for it, and your talent is clear from a mile away in everything you write, from your personal stories both of your past and your present, to anything fictional you might choose to write…you have the ability to touch so many people through every word you put onto a page, this blog you have and the responses you get from it are a testament to that fact.
So given that the case, it seems the natural thing to do if you’re looking to find that energy you’re missing again, to find that spark, that passion you’ve lost over time, is to look to the one thing that still energizes you……that one thing that when you really put your mind to it you can create such beautiful pieces of art as it were with……your writing, your words…..I really believe you could be a great success in this area if you took that first step out and towards the next level here.
It could well be exactly what you need and what will get your life back on a solid track again, get your mind back in a good place. Hell you might even find that if you branch out into this whole other world, and allow yourself something to fall back on beyond what you’ve been doing for so long, beyond the wrestling, beyond the modeling, beyond the trade show appearances and so on, you may even find that some of the energy and passion for all that that you’ve lost, will come back again, that you may start to enjoy it again.
Everyone needs a break, everyone burns out sometimes, it’s only natural when you do basically one thing for your whole existence and don’t allow yourself a break. Perhaps writing could serve as that break for you, that place to go when you can’t keep doing what you’re doing at that moment, that place to step back, breathe and just rest before going back into things again, and also that place you can go when you decide you are ready to move on completely into something else and not look back, and maybe that time is now, but if it’s not, when it was you’d have that solid footing to rely on for the next chapter.
So yeah…..I think for you……writing is your future……the talent is there, the passion is there, all that’s left for you is to take all that and run with it. I believe you can do it and can thrive if you put the work into doing so like you have in everything else you’ve ever done in your life. There’s a whole new life there at your fingertips April. Anyway, just my opinion…….wish you all the best. 🙂
Hiya–thank you. I’ve loved writing ever since I could hold a crayon. It’s just this…do people even READ anymore? Can you actually earn a living writing? I think that what holds me back. I love it, have always done it, will always do it. It’s my FIRST love and my dream.
Yeah I know in your very first blog you wrote here you said as much, that it was what you loved but you didn’t feel you could do it for a living so you went into other avenues instead.
As far as whether you can survive doing it, firstly….I think if you believe you can make it, you can do just about anything, no matter how hard it may seem. A positive belief in yourself and your ability can go a long way. And hey it’s something I struggle with too, but I still believe that. You have the talent, you have the passion, have faith in yourself and your ability to make it and work as hard as you have elsewhere and I believe you can do it.
Second, as I sort of hit on in my comment above, your writing doesn’t have to be the only thing you do, by choice or necessity. It can serve as a supplement if nothing else to what else you’re doing and again that chance to give yourself a break every once and a while from the grind that has wore you down so much. It might take a little bit of pressure off you to look at it from that perspective at least as you take the first steps in trying to make something of this part of you. After that who knows, but for now maybe look at it as something to help ease some of those burdens and stresses you have, and allow you that moment to breathe sometimes and then go from there.
Finally, I think people do still read, it’s just the medium in how they do it has changed. Do not underestimate the ebook and digital market, it definitely exists. People may not read physical books like they used to, but doesn’t mean they don’t read anymore. And at the very least you have a fair share of followers here who I am sure would love to read anything of length you may come up with, I know I would. 🙂
In any case though, you’ll never know what you can do if you do not try. It’s like that hockey saying, every shot not taken is a goal not scored. If you try something and it doesn’t work, then so be it, but you’ll never know what you can achieve if you don’t at least make an attempt at it. Don’t let the what if stop you from trying to make your dreams a reality. Worst case scenario you cut your losses and move forward into something else, but you will not know how successful you can be if you do not take that chance. As I’ve said, you have the talent, you have the passion, now run with it and see where it takes you. It’s better to try and fail than to never try at all and possibly miss your calling you know?
I almost hate to say this because it is so cliché, but it’s true. That sounds like a heart crying out for God. God’s plan is not that we do what takes away our energy and saps our hope. He gives energy and hope when we listen to his leading and follow him. He made each person unique. Each person has a different makeup that informs their lives, but it all will lead back to God if you will follow it. It is not God’s will that you be caught on what sounds like a hamster wheel. There’s supposed to be more to life than that. He will give it to you if you give your life to him. He will give you more life than you can imagine. (PS: I like your old wrestling videos with Talia.)
Thank you for this. I think part of my issue is that what I want to do doesn’t really pay the bills…so trying to find a way…that’s challenging.
That’s the way the world is, isn’t it? We do what we have to but try to make room for what we want to do. But someday we will do what we are meant to do and it will be what we love to do. You just may be on the most important road of your life.