(Warning: Explicit**See Below.)
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The subject of rough sex was broached at lunch. My friend – the epitome of the conservative girl next door – gritted her teeth and said, “YES. Yes. I want someone to pull my fucking hair.” As we all nodded in total agreement, she paused and wondered aloud, “I wonder what that says about us. Psychologically, I mean.”
I thought about that for a while and decided to find out.
Women have long flip-flopped between wanting to be with a nice guy who treats them like a princess and dating that arrogant prick everyone hates. We’ve all shaken our heads and thought, “Jesus, that guy is such a douche bag. Why is she with him?”
You can’t change men (Men Are Like Shoes- https://aprilhunterblog.com/2014/05/09/chapter-20-men-are-like-shoes/) so these relationships with bad boys nearly always end badly.
However, our heads still turn when we see the guy with the loud, fast car or the motorcycle. We want tattooed, muscled and pierced. He’s ex-military, in a rock band or a crazy surfer. We want that because, quite honestly, he looks like trouble. Trouble means he will probably throw us down and ram us hard from behind while pulling our fucking hair. (Read: Not yank. Pull.) We want to be nipped at, tied up, spanked, and told what to do. We want you to hold us down and lick our pussy until we can’t take it anymore…and then we want you to do it again with your fingers teasing our ass at the same time. If you won’t, we’ll eventually find someone who will. At least once. That’s just how it is.
Some women have a hard time saying it like it is. Perhaps they’re afraid what their partner might really think if they tell him what they really want.
Sex is fantastic. Romantic sex is absolutely wonderful. But sometimes you just need to get slammed up against a wall and fucked.
There. I said it.
The most common sexual fantasy for women is rape. (That’s not to say women want to BE raped.) I think you get what I mean when I state this fact. In a fantasy, you can enjoy the idea of being coerced without any real danger. That said, you can understand psychologically that we females have an innate desire to be told what to do, held down and fucked. Sex researchers suggest that one reason for the prevalence of aggressive fantasies isn’t so much the rape itself, but rather the desire to feel a loss of control. Women make a lot of decisions every day. We have to remain in control in order to get things done. Part of the pleasure of sex is giving up or taking that control to another level, so it’s vital to find a partner who balances you sexually. Two submissive people together are going to make for a lazy marriage that lacks heat. Neither will feel like being on top. Two dominants will constantly be in a power struggle that may spill outside the bedroom.
Rape or near-rape fantasies are the main theme in romance novels. Often called “bodice-rippers”, a handsome man becomes so overwhelmed by his attraction to the heroine that he loses all control and must have her, even if she refuses–which she does initially, but then eventually melts into submission, desire, and ultimately fulfillment. Rinse, repeat and rename it Fifty Shades of Grey.
“Before I know it, he’s got both of my hands in his viselike grip above my head, and he’s pinning me to the wall using his lips … His other hand grabs my hair and yanks down, bringing my face up, and his lips are on mine…” -50 Shades of Grey pg 78.
This is part of our core animal nature. We like to believe we’ve evolved into something superior to being animalistic, but it’s revealed in certain basic situations. We overeat when we’re not hungry because we’re genetically programmed to store food for the possibly stark future. We sleep more in the winter because it’s cold and dark. And yes…there is an ingrained sexual aspect to us that’s undeniable. Yet, despite sex being as natural to both animals and humans as eating and sleeping, some still try to deny it.
From Psychology Today: “This study is part of a growing body of research unveiling women’s dueling desires. On the one hand, women express wanting a relationship with a loving and committed partner for the long-term. Yet on the other hand, they demonstrate an attraction to men with darker personalities, typically for the short-term. It is important to recognize, however, that this dynamic has been shaped by the demands of evolution. For the women who fall for bad boys—and the men who love them—these insights may help untangle this paradox.”
The three most populated places on Earth:
- The Friend Zone
Every nice guy has bemoaned to anyone and everyone within earshot (and on every social network) how all women only love arrogant assholes.
Word origin for ‘asshole’: Latin. Meaning: “contemptible person”. Dated: mid-1930s. – *I wonder what these types of people were called in 1892?*
This only loving assholes thing isn’t exactly true. Most women – the ones who aren’t completely damaged, that is – struggle with finding a balance. We want a nice guy. This man loves his mom, won’t run around on us (we hope) and calls on the way home to ask if he can pick anything up from the store. He tells us we’re beautiful, kisses our neck and remembers things that are important. He holds the door open, does laundry, cooks and enjoys the same movies. He may even remember to put the toilet seat down.
And, we want someone who will pull our fucking hair. With Bad Boy Syndrome, narcissism suggests confidence and dominance. Women respond to this sexually without even realizing because it’s ingrained into us for reproductive reasons. We want a strong male who will provide strong offspring and be able to protect us.
“Stupid women say all men are the same. Smart women stop dating the same men.”
With age comes wisdom. With more wisdom, I’ve gravitated more towards the “nice guy”. I always thought he was vastly under appreciated. After all, I’m trouble enough for two and as long as he is a ‘think outside the box’ captain and not part of the crew, I’m perfectly fine with it. However, despite appreciating decent, sweet men, I’ve still found myself staring at obvious bad boys with sleeve tattoos, facial stubble and vascular forearms. Why? I’m smart enough to know not to date that type, yet I still find myself occasionally drawn to it.
I’ve come to the conclusion that men aren’t the only ones who want a lady on the streets and a whore between the sheets.
As I’ve gotten more comfortable in my own skin, I’m not afraid to say that sex is very important and I am not willing to compromise on that in a relationship. You can be wonderful, funny, good looking and rich. But, if the bedroom action is bad, boring or one-dimensional, it’s just not going to work for me. Life is too short to suffer from bad sex. That’s my own opinion, but I’d reckon others feel the same way.
Any woman can understand what I mean when I offer up this example:
What is more innately attractive? There is a tall, dark haired man. He’s handsome with broad shoulders, full lips and high cheekbones. He is also a certifiable nice guy. He pulls up in a Prius or a Scion. It has an automatic transmission.
Now, that same nice guy steps out of a sleek BMW Z4 or pulls alongside you in a rumbling convertible Ford Mustang. By the way, both the BMW and Mustang happen to be stick shift – and he takes control of his car like a champ.
It’s not rocket science. This isn’t materialism. It’s a show of testosterone and confidence. I’m using cars as an example. You can work it any way you want. Nice guys don’t always finish last – not if they don’t want to.
My point is this: women don’t love bad boys. They’re just attracted to them. Their confidence. Confidence is a big one. This is something even the nicest boor can own if he tries. Spice it up with little danger or masculinity. Pin her down and give it to her hard every now and again. Women want variation. Be raw. Romantic. Rough. Teasing. Sensual. And incredibly dirty and nasty.
Pull her fucking hair.
Personally, I’ve noticed that men who are close to their moms or were raised well by a single mother tend to have a completely different (and positive) view on strong women than the norm. I’ve used that as a marker for my friendships and how to choose my dates rather than an Alpha vs. Beta vs. Omega debate. In the end, I think a sign of a good relationship is someone who is your best friend – he is the person you respect, share ideas, look forward to spending time with, your partner in crime – whom you want to fuck like crazy and give a blowjob while driving down the highway.
–While he wraps his hands around your hair.
My question to the modern male is this: Can you be both “the lady on the streets and whore between the sheets”?
If so, you may just solve our paradox and answer that age old question: ‘What is it that women really want?’
**I’d like to apologize for the copious use of the word “fucking” in this blog. When it’s being used in the context in which I needed it for, there were few other options in the English language.
I searched for interchangeable words but “fornicate” and “copulate” simply weren’t cutting it. Going full-on British English gave me even less to work with. “Give your bird a good rogering”, “Go on and get your face full of fanny while playing with her bum” or “Shag her bloody silly” wasn’t conveying the point very well at all.
So, “fucking” it was.
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14 thoughts on “Chapter 22: Pull My F*cking Hair”
This is amazing!!!
Everything in this writing is spot on. I highly recommend grabbing the back of a woman’s hair, much like you would pull up a mutt if you were that type. Push all the hair up on the back of her neck with one hand, thread the fingers up, and then clamp it.
No woman can resist it, and if she does, she does so with a smirk before the slap. 😉
I have expressed this openly and honestly to my lady. My bad side likes the same thing women want, to be taken control of, a confident and congruent personality, a convention defying “woman”, key word, not “girl”.
But, the rape fantasy is high for a lot of women. They don’t want to be actually raped, of course, it’s what April describes, the feeling of being overpowered and controlled.
You can see this readily by checking the website “Fetlife” as many, many of the women on there are looking for “daddies” or “rape play”. You will also see large number of women on groups for hairpulling (as in having their hair pulled sexually, not catfights for readers out there) on Fet and Facebook.
Insightful, yet totally true, ive been a bigger guy all my life which made me fall into the “unattractive” category. That is until I hit about 27 years old, by that point I come to realize that I could have any woman I wanted, I wasn’t ugly, snd by no means was I overweight at 6’4″. I was a bigger guy yet I became confident in what I was doing in life and used my defender/protector skills I learned from my mom to turn that in to a major turn on. Women enjoyed the fact I was in control of most situations and would protect them at all cost. And in the bedroom I was turned up to forty anyhow. And the women ive been with the longest are generally the ones who want the door opened to a car, ir a building in public, and love to walk in the park with us holding one another. Yet however in the bed room want me ta use my size and strength to just totally punish them. I think what women want is easy, a man in the middle. Not a total ass, but not some softie push over either! Btw way to top off a discussion on sex with a totally hot picture of yourself! Cause if that dont get a reader thinking on subject nothing will! lol
Great posting. I enjoyed every minute of it.
Isn’t the question “What makes women think this way?”, rather than a generalization that it’s a primal urge and all women innately want this somehow?
In the western world where gender equality exists (at least as an ideal) in most aspects of life, women are generally safe and free to choose their sexual partners, it’s naive to say that there exists a built-in urge in all women to be with a sexually dominant man that can be traced back to social survival instincts that were depended on thousands of years ago. At the very least this is culturally ignorant. We no longer socialize in small groups and completely depend on our mates for our existence.
Don’t get me wrong. I’ve enjoyed very passionate, rougher sex in relationships, even playing out scenarios where a woman wanted to express a degree of dominance over me. I’m not saying it’s wrong in any way but for those whom desire it, I think the roots are in fact cultural rather than entrenched in our genders: old stereotypes of what constitutes masculinity and femininity are the main culprits, fed by persistent media images of what women in particular are supposed to enjoy sexually, how they should behave in order to be attractive to men and what men should aspire to be attractive to women (the usual cars, money, buff, don’t-give-a-fuck narrative) and demand from their women in order to feel sexually satisfied. Take for example any modern rap video, where every guy portrays a hyper masculine ideal and there’s virtually no room for any hint of sensitivity or “feminine” aspects of a personality to be displayed.
Are books like Fifty Shades of Grey popular because they represent what women really want? Or, is that a side effect of an age where sexual, even pornographic imagery is used to sell just about everything, increasingly to younger women? Dress like Kim K, dance like Rihanna, grow up like Miley Cyrus if you want to be successful and be desirable to a man. Rough sex and bad boys fit easily into that narrative.
Rape fantasies are interesting in that a lot of people sexualize fears. Fear of course creates adrenaline, which in turn provides feelings of excitement. Saying it’s the most common fantasy is a reach, though. It’s certainly a phenomenon and many women will readily admit to it, but to say it’s the predominant type is pushing the boundaries of what research has been able to establish. In societies such as in Eastern Asia where living in a patriarchal rape culture is a daily fact of life for thousands of women, I’d guess that rape fantasies aren’t top of the list.
Narcissism may suggest confidence to the uninitiated, but to anyone with a clue it’s a clear demonstration of insecurity and a need to feel superior to others. Mistaking this trait for confidence is buying into a model of masculinity that is well past it’s expiry date.
I’d argue that in this era of ultra fast, easily accessed internet porn and sexually aggressive marketing messages, women and men that buy into the notion of the bad boy as a masculine ideal (to be, or be with), women being valued mostly by their desirability to men and the sexual role plays aligned to those stereotypes are perhaps not thinking enough for themselves and simply doing what they are told to, subtly and overtly, by the media that is willingly consumed or otherwise shoved down their throats.
Without trying to sound too woo-woo about it all, the peak sexual experiences are surely those which heighten intimacy and build the greatest bonds between partners. The physical aspect is the built-in capability that we all have and know without much thought required. If the physical aspect is placed on a pedestal (through mutual agreement between partners) and manifests in rougher sex acts, I’m all for that. But I’d never fool myself into automatically thinking that this is what all women desire. That is an extreme form of reductionism – that is to say, the sum of a woman’s sexual desires are simply those which I want her to have, because they’ll satisfy me the most. Holding the bedroom door open for a lady I’m about to have sex with and spanking her ass as she walks through it seems a tad basic. If I thought that was the skeleton key to sexually unlocking all women I’d be proved wrong in a heartbeat.
The root of a woman’s flip-flopping, as you put it, between wanting different types of men (safe and caring, or dangerous and uncaring) is part of the “slut” paradox fed to women through several popular forms of media: be as sexually appealing as possible to men but don’t overdo it and be branded a slut in the wider world. Therefore, even the highly evolved woman, a social conservative, still feels the need to submit to forms of sex which are “slutty”, even with a highly evolved male partner who is otherwise caring and safe, because isn’t that what all men really want and expect?
I guess the point is that women who demand rough sex from a man who can simultneously fulfill all of the romantic ideals are more often than not trying to live a Hollywood version of a feminist world, where it is somehow empowering to buy into male sexual fantasies. This was a huge theme in shows like Sex and the City. If you don’t play the victim, then you’re not one. Mutuality and what you might want isn’t of any value. I think this ties in too closely to popular concepts of what attracts and keeps a man and invalidates the idea that rough sex is a universal, innate and not so secret desire in ALL women.
Anyway, April, this blog is a great outlet for you and, as someone who has been reading your writing since the late 90s, I may not agree with you on this one but it was an excellent article as always. Keep up the great work.
Holy shit, Paul…I was just talking about you. I had emailed you a few months on FB and wasn’t sure if you got it?
For what it’s worth, I am your textbook “nice guy, small penis, nerdy dude,” but in my younger days (when I was more confident), I pulled a nine. The two best times we had sex were right after we had a fight, when I just let go and said to myself, “f– you, b–, I’m pissed at you and just going to f– you,” and when her daughter was sleeping in the bed next to us, so I got on top, started screwing my girlfriend, but covered her mouth tight to keep her from making noise.” Both times she got off really hard. Otherwise, my g/f only achieved orgasm if I could keep it really hard and she got on top. What I learned from that relationship was that you can be a nice guy, but you have to be capable, at least, of giving it to her hard when you want it, and just take it. Women seem to like when dudes just use their mate’s bodies for their own pleasure every now and then. A nice guy has to look good, never shrink from doing what needs to be done, keep it hard, and be able to take it when he wants it. Not all the time, not be a jerk, not necessarily even look the part. Just look good, be capable, and rough when you really want to. You can be your nerdy self otheriwse and get the girl if you can just rise to the occasion when you have to.
Yes. Insightful, I agree. But call me a pedant (coz I am) but I got into an odd place with the following: “We want you to hold us down and lick our pussy until we can’t take it anymore…and then we want you to do it again with your fingers teasing our ass at the same time.”
So why do these ladies only have one pussy between them (and indeed one ass/arse)? But then if you pluralise it all it seems like this guy has to take care of all of them at the same time. Sounds like he could handle that though…
This may also explain the need for secret identities. Why else would a university professor spend the weekends touring the Southern indies under a mask? I’ll have to ask myself sometime and hope I don’t lie. If I was to guess, it was to trade that gentlemanly Brooks Brothers weekday life for being a heel in patent leather all weekend. It was useful to simulate the beatings and eye-gouges that I couldn’t give on real life to assorted deans and students who needed them. Then, come Monday (a great song), put that tie into a double Windsor knot and go back to being an upstanding taxpayer. God, I miss high school gyms in where-the-hell-am-I Georgia!
Reblogged this on Thinking Out Loud and commented:
Lord help me, reading this actually turned me on. Lol
Spot on, girl.
As a Brit I do feel we are the worst in restriping sex and sexuality. But we are getting better.
Another thought-provoking and well-reasoned post, thanks. You cite to Psychology Today:
“On the one hand, women express wanting a relationship with a loving and committed partner for the long-term. Yet on the other hand, they demonstrate an attraction to men with darker personalities, typically for the short-term. It is important to recognize, however, that this dynamic has been shaped by the demands of evolution.”
Of. Course. (Sorry Full-on Brit, but you’re drunk on the PC kool-aid. Sexual attraction is innate; it’s about pheromones, not freaking cultural constructs. Not a close question.)
Most (almost all straight) women want to mate with and (perhaps) bear the children of strong, physical alpha men, but they also know those alpha males are unlikely to hang around to help raise the kids, or otherwise. They’ll be off elsewhere, spreading their seed to as many women as they can. For alpha men, it’s the evolutionarily optimal practice. We see this only ALL the time.
So while (almost all) women are attracted to alpha males sexually, often they must develop another evolutionary mating strategy for raising their children and for long-term support. That Plan B, lol, is the beta man – the romantic/nice guy who is much more certain to hang around and provide that long-term support. The story of the cuck is as old as humanity.
Yes, I’m a beta guy, and was (unknowingly) a cuck for a short while. Can I pull off the occasional hair pulling alpha-type fuck? Yes, especially early in a relationship (NRE etc.). But it’s rarely what I want to do. It’s not my style; it’s not in my genes; it’s not how my brain is wired. So with all due respect, for a beta man it’s not as easy to pull off a reasonably regular alpha-man-style fuck to attract and satisfy women as you may think.
I’ll go further personally – most of the time, I’d like the woman to pull my hair, and to take me up against the wall. Yes, please, give me an alpha woman, whether straight or bisexual. Alpha women who are both willing and able to do this are few, and even they usually prefer alpha men sexually. Physical strength is (nearly) always the most desired evolutionary characteristic in a male. Brains and money can offset alpha-chemistry to an extent, but usually for non-sexual reasons. So the next time you are feeling sorry for your sexual or mating prospects, think of the straight bottom beta male. It could be worse.